英語(yǔ)經(jīng)典幽默故事

1、<p>　　My First and My Last</p><p>　　When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks. </p><p>　

2、　George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go.&q

3、uot; </p><p>　　They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air. </p><p>　　When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he sai

4、d to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane." </p><p>　　Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?" </p><p>

5、　　"Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark. </p><p><b>　　第一次與最后一次</b></p><p>　　喬治35歲時(shí)買了架小型飛機(jī)，并開(kāi)始學(xué)習(xí)駕駛。不久，他就能很嫻熟地駕機(jī)做各種各樣的特技飛行了。 </p><p>　　喬治有個(gè)朋友名叫馬克。一天，喬治主動(dòng)邀請(qǐng)馬

6、克乘他的飛機(jī)上天兜一圈。馬克心想，“我乘大客機(jī)飛行過(guò)好幾次，還從來(lái)沒(méi)有乘過(guò)小飛機(jī)，我不妨試一試?！?</p><p>　　升空后，喬治飛了有半個(gè)小時(shí)，在空中做了各種各樣的飛行特技。 </p><p>　　后來(lái)他們著陸了。馬克很高興能夠安全返回地面。他用顫抖的聲音對(duì)他的朋友說(shuō)：“喬治，非常感謝你讓我乘小飛機(jī)做了兩次飛行?！?</p><p>　　喬治非常吃驚地問(wèn)：“兩

7、次飛行？” </p><p>　　“是的，我的第一次和最后一次。”馬克答道。</p><p>　　First Flight</p><p>　　Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when

8、a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane. </p>

9、;<p>　　His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frighten

10、ed and closed his eyes. </p><p>　　After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants,

11、 don't they?" </p><p>　　"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground." </p><p><b>　　第一次坐飛機(jī)</b></p><p>　　約翰遜先生從前未乘過(guò)飛

12、機(jī)，他讀過(guò)許多關(guān)于飛行事故的報(bào)道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀請(qǐng)他乘自己的小飛機(jī)飛行時(shí)，約翰遜先生非常擔(dān)心，不敢接受。不過(guò)，由于朋友不斷保證說(shuō)飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終于被說(shuō)服了，登上了飛機(jī)。 </p><p>　　他的朋友啟動(dòng)引擎開(kāi)始在機(jī)場(chǎng)跑道上滑行。約翰遜先生聽(tīng)說(shuō)飛行中最危險(xiǎn)的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。 </p><p>　　過(guò)了一兩分鐘，他睜開(kāi)雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對(duì)朋友說(shuō)道：“看

13、下面那些人，他們看起來(lái)就象螞蟻一樣小，是不是？” </p><p>　　“那些就是螞蟻，”他的朋友答道，“我們還在地面上。” </p><p>　　A Nail Or A Fly?</p><p>　　An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bot

14、tle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened,

15、she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour. </p><p>　　So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed. </p&g

16、t;<p>　　Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with al

17、l his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!</p><p><

18、b>　　釘子還是蒼蠅？</b></p><p>　　一位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進(jìn)了一家旅館的客房。他雙手各拿一瓶酒。在墻上有只蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。他把兩只瓶子朝上一掛，瓶子掉下來(lái)摔碎了，酒灑了一地。一個(gè)女服務(wù)員發(fā)現(xiàn)發(fā)生的事情以后，對(duì)他深表同情，決定幫他個(gè)忙。 </p><p>　　于是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時(shí)，她把一枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過(guò)的地方。 </p&g

19、t;<p>　　這里，老人回到了房里。倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。他抬頭往墻上一看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了一掌。聽(tīng)到一聲大叫，好心的女服務(wù)員沖進(jìn)房來(lái)。讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關(guān)緊咬，右手滴血不止。</p><p>　　I'll See to the Rest</p><p>　　A guard was about to s

20、ignal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage. </p><p>　　"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Sh

21、ut the door, please!" </p><p>　　"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back. </p><p>　　"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I&

22、#39;ll see to the rest." </p><p><b>　　其余的事由我負(fù)責(zé)</b></p><p>　　一位車上的列車員剛發(fā)出信號(hào)讓火車啟動(dòng)，這時(shí)他看見(jiàn)一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站臺(tái)上一節(jié)打開(kāi)的車廂門旁邊，跟車廂里另一位漂亮姑娘在說(shuō)話。 </p><p>　　“快點(diǎn)，小姐!”他喊道：“請(qǐng)把門關(guān)上?！?</p>

23、;<p>　　“噢，我還沒(méi)有和妹妹吻別呢?！彼卮鸬?。 </p><p>　　“請(qǐng)把門關(guān)上好了，”列車員說(shuō)：“其余的事由我負(fù)責(zé)?！?</p><p>　　Chaude and Cold</p><p>　　A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

24、 "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water." </p><p>　　"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in

25、 Montreal." </p><p>　　"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C." </p><p>　　"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold.

26、After all, Montreal is a bilingual city." </p><p><b>　　熱與冷</b></p><p>　　蒙特利爾自助餐廳的一位顧客擰開(kāi)盥洗室的龍頭，結(jié)果被水燙傷了?！斑@太可惡了，”他抱怨道，“標(biāo)著C的龍頭流出的是開(kāi)水?！?</p><p>　　“可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法語(yǔ)里代表‘

27、熱’。如果您居住在蒙特利爾的話就得知道這一點(diǎn)?！?</p><p>　　“等等，”那位顧客咆哮一聲，“另外一個(gè)龍頭同樣標(biāo)的是C。” </p><p>　　“當(dāng)然，”經(jīng)理說(shuō)道：“它代表冷。畢竟，蒙特利爾是個(gè)雙語(yǔ)城市?！?</p><p>　　A Soldier's Brilliant Idea</p><p>　　Mr. Robinso

28、n had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of

29、them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it

30、. </p><p>　　When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never see

31、n such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in. </p><

32、;p>　　Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was

33、 watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip.</p><p><b>　　士兵的高招</b><

34、/p><p>　　由于生意方面的事，羅賓遜先生得出趟門。因?yàn)橛悬c(diǎn)緊急，他決定坐飛機(jī)。乘機(jī)旅行時(shí)，他喜歡靠窗坐，故而一登機(jī)，他就尋找一個(gè)靠窗的座位。他發(fā)現(xiàn)只有一個(gè)靠窗的座位還空著。在那空座位邊坐著一名士兵。令羅賓遜先生納悶的是，這位士兵沒(méi)有坐靠窗的位置。羅賓遜先生不管那些，他馬上徑直朝那個(gè)空座位走去。 </p><p>　　然而，等到了那兒，他看見(jiàn)座位上有則啟事，是用鋼筆寫(xiě)的：“為保持裝載平衡，

35、特預(yù)設(shè)該位置，謝謝合作。”羅賓遜先生還從來(lái)沒(méi)有在飛機(jī)上見(jiàn)過(guò)如此不同尋常的啟事。不過(guò)，他想飛機(jī)上一定裝了什么特別重的物品，于是他找了個(gè)不靠窗的位置。 </p><p>　　又有兩三個(gè)乘客試圖坐在那個(gè)士兵旁的靠窗座位上，他們看到那則啟事就走開(kāi)了。當(dāng)快滿座時(shí)，一位非常美麗的姑娘匆匆走進(jìn)機(jī)艙。一直在注意進(jìn)艙旅客的那個(gè)士兵趕緊拿掉他旁邊空座位上的啟事。士兵用這種辦法，成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。 </p>

36、<p>　　New Discovery</p><p>　　A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, a

37、nd after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator. </p><p>　　Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!" </p><p&

38、gt;<b>　　新發(fā)現(xiàn)</b></p><p>　　一個(gè)鄉(xiāng)下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走進(jìn)一座大樓，看見(jiàn)一個(gè)歲數(shù)很大的矮胖女人邁進(jìn)一個(gè)小房間。房間的門隨后關(guān)上，有幾個(gè)燈在閃亮。一會(huì)兒，門開(kāi)了，電梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。 </p><p>　　鄉(xiāng)下人驚奇地眨著眼睛，慢吞吞地說(shuō)：“我應(yīng)該把我的老婆帶來(lái)!” </p><p>　　A Bad I

39、mpression</p><p>　　Six people were travelling in a compartment on a train. Five of them were quiet and well behaved, but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passenger

40、s. </p><p>　　At last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. None of the other passengers helped him, but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away and then opened th

41、e window and shouted to him, "You left something behind in the compartment!" Then he closed the window again. </p><p>　　The young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags. He was very t

42、ired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "What did I leave behind?" </p><p>　　As the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said, &qu

43、ot;A very bad impression!" </p><p><b>　　一個(gè)壞印象</b></p><p>　　有六個(gè)人搭乘火車旅行，坐在同一車箱內(nèi)。其中五個(gè)很安靜，也很規(guī)矩。但第六個(gè)是個(gè)粗魯?shù)哪贻p人，給其他乘客招惹了許多麻煩。 </p><p>　　最后，這位年輕人在一個(gè)車站帶著兩個(gè)沉重的皮箱下了車。沒(méi)有一個(gè)旅客幫他的忙

44、。有個(gè)人一直等到這位粗魯?shù)哪贻p人走得很遠(yuǎn)了，才打開(kāi)窗戶，對(duì)著他大聲喊：“你把東西留在車廂里了!”然后，又把窗戶關(guān)了起來(lái)。 </p><p>　　年輕人轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)身子，拎著兩個(gè)沉甸甸的皮箱，匆匆趕了回來(lái)。他轉(zhuǎn)回來(lái)時(shí)，顯得非常疲倦，對(duì)著窗戶大聲喊：“我把什么東西留在車上了？” </p><p>　　當(dāng)火車再次啟動(dòng)時(shí)，叫他回來(lái)的旅客打開(kāi)窗戶說(shuō)：“一個(gè)極壞的印象!” </p><p&

45、gt;　　Sleeping Pills</p><p>　　Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. </p><p>　　Sunday night Bob took the pil

46、ls, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." </p><p&

47、gt;　　"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?" </p><p><b>　　安眠藥</b></p><p>　　鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫(yī)生，醫(yī)生給他開(kāi)了一些強(qiáng)力安眠藥。 </p><p>　

48、　星期天晚上鮑勃吃了藥，睡得很好，在鬧鐘響之前就醒了過(guò)來(lái)。他到了辦公室，遛達(dá)進(jìn)去，對(duì)老板說(shuō)：“我今天早上起床一點(diǎn)麻煩都沒(méi)有?！?</p><p>　　“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了？” </p><p><b>　　Creative</b></p><p>　　Applying for my first job, I rea

49、lized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications. Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes. I got the job. </p>&

50、lt;p>　　I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed. </p><p><b>　　創(chuàng)造性</b></p><p>　　第一次求職時(shí)，我意識(shí)到在列舉我所具備的為數(shù)不多的條件時(shí)，得有點(diǎn)創(chuàng)造性。當(dāng)問(wèn)及我是否受過(guò)其它的培訓(xùn)時(shí)，我老實(shí)地

51、回答說(shuō)我花了三年時(shí)間學(xué)計(jì)算機(jī)程序設(shè)計(jì)課。我得到了那份工作。 </p><p>　　我沒(méi)有提到那門功課我重復(fù)學(xué)了三年才考及格。 </p><p><b>　　Reminder</b></p><p>　　In the veterinary office where I'm a technician, we mail out reminde

52、rs when pets are due for vaccinations. Bruno, a German shepherd, arrived for his annual rabies shot, and we were required by state law to ask his owner if Bruno had bitten anyone in the last ten days. "Oh yes, in fa

53、ct that's why we're here," she replied. Surprised, I told her we assumed they'd come in because of our reminder. </p><p>　　"We did," she explained. "Bruno bit the mail carrier

54、 who was delivering your card." </p><p><b>　　催　單</b></p><p>　　我是一家獸醫(yī)站的技師。當(dāng)動(dòng)物到了該注射疫苗的時(shí)候，我們就寄出催單。一條德國(guó)物質(zhì)牧羊犬布魯諾來(lái)做每年一次的狂犬疫苗注射。我們依照州法律的要求詢問(wèn)他的主人，在過(guò)去的十天里布魯諾是否咬了什么人?！班?，是的。事實(shí)上這正是我們到這兒來(lái)的原因

55、，”她回答說(shuō)。我覺(jué)得奇怪，告訴她我們以為他們是因?yàn)槭盏搅宋覀兊拇邌尾艁?lái)的。 </p><p>　　“的確如此，”她解釋道?！安剪斨Z咬了給你們送催單的郵遞員?！?</p><p>　　Imitate Birds</p><p>　　A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?"

56、; asked the producer. </p><p>　　"Imitate birds," the man said. </p><p>　　"Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen." </p>

57、<p>　　"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.</p><p><b>　　模仿鳥(niǎo)兒</b></p><p>　　一個(gè)人想在一個(gè)舞臺(tái)劇中找份工作?！澳隳芨墒裁茨?？”負(fù)責(zé)人問(wèn)。 &l

58、t;/p><p>　　“模仿鳥(niǎo)兒，”那人說(shuō)。 </p><p>　　“你在開(kāi)玩笑吧？”負(fù)責(zé)人答道，“那樣的人一毛錢可以找一打?！?</p><p>　　“噢，那就算了。”那名演員說(shuō)著，展開(kāi)翅膀，飛出了窗口。</p><p>　　How Did You Ever Get Here</p><p>　　One winter m

59、orning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two." </p><p>　　The boss eyed him suspiciously.

60、"Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?" </p><p>　　"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home." </p><p><b>　　你是怎樣來(lái)的？</b></p><p>

61、;　　一個(gè)冬天的早晨，一名雇員解釋他為什么遲到了四十五分鐘才起來(lái)上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前邁一步，就要向后退兩步?！?</p><p>　　老板狐疑地看著他?！班蓿菃?？那你是怎樣到這里來(lái)的？” </p><p>　　“后來(lái)我決定放棄，”他說(shuō)，“然后我就往家里走?！?lt;/p><p>　　Three Surgeons</p><p>　　Th

62、ree famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist." </p><p>　　"That's nothing,&q

63、uot; said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner." </p><p>　　"I can top both of you," said the third. "

64、One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate." </p><p><b>　　三個(gè)外科

65、醫(yī)生</b></p><p>　　三個(gè)有名的外科醫(yī)生正在吹噓他們的技術(shù)。“一個(gè)人斷了一只手，他來(lái)找我，”一個(gè)說(shuō)，“如今那個(gè)人是個(gè)音樂(lè)會(huì)的小提琴手?！?</p><p>　　“這算不了什么，”另一個(gè)說(shuō)?！耙粋€(gè)家伙兩條腿斷了，他來(lái)找我，我將它們接了回去。如今，那人是馬拉松選手?！?</p><p>　　“我比你們兩個(gè)都強(qiáng)，”第三個(gè)說(shuō)，“一天，我碰到一起可怕的

66、車禍。除了一個(gè)馬屁股，和一幅眼睛，什么都沒(méi)有留下。如今，那人坐在美國(guó)參議院里?！?</p><p>　　One Side of the Case</p><p>　　A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand. </p

67、><p>　　"I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge. </p><p>　　"Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head. </p><p

68、>　　"You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time." </p><p><b>　　一面之辭</b></p><p>　　一位法官問(wèn)我們

69、這群修補(bǔ)陪審員是否有人應(yīng)當(dāng)免權(quán)。一個(gè)人舉起了手。 </p><p>　　“我的左耳聽(tīng)不見(jiàn)?！蹦侨烁嬖V法官。 </p><p>　　“你的右邊耳朵聽(tīng)得見(jiàn)嗎？”法官問(wèn)道。那人點(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭。 </p><p>　　“你將被允許加入陪審團(tuán)，”法官宣布?！拔覀兠看沃宦?tīng)一面之辭?！?</p><p>　　A Smugglar</p><p

70、>　　The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams. </p><p>　　"What

71、9;s in here?" he asked. </p><p>　　"Dirt," the driver replied. </p><p>　　"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them." </p><p>　　O

72、bliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go. </p><p>　　A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked

73、 in the truck. </p><p>　　"What's in the bags this time?" he asked. </p><p>　　"Dirt, more dirt." said the man. </p><p>　　Not believing him, the guard checked

74、the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil. </p><p>　　The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then

75、one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the

76、 hell you were smuggling all that time." </p><p>　　Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars." </p><p><b>　　走私犯</b></p&

77、gt;<p>　　一個(gè)形跡可疑的人開(kāi)車來(lái)到邊境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在檢查汽車行李箱時(shí)，驚奇地發(fā)現(xiàn)了六個(gè)接縫處鼓得緊繃繃的大口袋。 </p><p>　　“里面裝的是什么？”他問(wèn)道。 </p><p>　　“土?！彼緳C(jī)回答。 </p><p>　　“把袋子拿出來(lái)”，哨兵命令道：“我要檢查。” </p><p>　　那人順從地把口袋

78、搬了出來(lái)。確實(shí)，口袋里除了土以外，別無(wú)他特。哨兵很不情愿地讓他通過(guò)了。 </p><p>　　一周后，那人又來(lái)了，哨兵再次檢查汽車上的行李箱。 </p><p>　　“這次袋子里裝的是什么？”他問(wèn)道。 </p><p>　　“土，又運(yùn)了一些土?！蹦侨嘶卮?。 </p><p>　　哨兵不相信，對(duì)那些袋子又進(jìn)行了檢查，結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)，除了土以外，仍舊一

79、無(wú)所獲。 </p><p>　　同樣的事情每周重演一次，一共持續(xù)了六個(gè)月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心喪氣，干脆辭職去當(dāng)了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那個(gè)形跡可疑的人碰巧途經(jīng)酒吧，下車喝酒。那位從前的哨兵急忙迎上前去對(duì)他說(shuō)，“我說(shuō)，老兄，你要是能幫我一個(gè)忙，今晚的酒就歸我請(qǐng)客。你能不能告訴我，那段時(shí)間你到底在走私什么東西？” </p><p>　　那人俯身過(guò)來(lái)，湊近侍者的耳朵，裂開(kāi)嘴笑嘻嘻地說(shuō)：“汽車?！?/p>

80、</p><p>　　Early Shopper</p><p>　　It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. </p><p>　　&q

81、uot;Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. </p><p>　　"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?" </p><p>　　

82、"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner. </p><p><b>　　采購(gòu)過(guò)早</b></p><p>　　那天是圣誕節(jié)，法官在審訊犯人時(shí)也有點(diǎn)惻隱之心?！澳銥槭裁炊黄鹪V？”他問(wèn)。 </p><p>　　“采購(gòu)圣誕節(jié)物品過(guò)早?！北桓娲?。 </p>

83、<p>　　“這不算犯法，”法官回答，“你購(gòu)物多早？” </p><p>　　在商店開(kāi)門之前，“犯人應(yīng)道。</p><p><b>　　Wings</b></p><p>　　The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before clos

84、ing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, aa quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter a

85、nd replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly."</p><p><b>　　翅 膀</b></p><p>　　一天，我工作的炸雞店在關(guān)門前出現(xiàn)了一陣搶購(gòu)狂潮，結(jié)果除了雞翅外所有的東西都賣完了。當(dāng)我正準(zhǔn)備鎖門時(shí)，一名喝醉了的旅客進(jìn)來(lái)要進(jìn)餐。我問(wèn)他翅膀行不行，他從柜臺(tái)上靠過(guò)身子來(lái)，回答道：“女士

86、，我到這兒來(lái)是吃東西的，不是要飛！”</p><p>　　Keep the Change</p><p>　　Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Boo

87、k of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each. </p><p>　　I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was

88、 for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.</p><p><b>　　零

89、錢不用找了</b></p><p>　　在教堂的義賣市上賣舊書(shū)時(shí)，我與一名準(zhǔn)備買東西的顧客發(fā)生了一場(chǎng)爭(zhēng)論。他對(duì)購(gòu)買袖珍奧金.納什集頗感興趣，但是說(shuō)它要三十五美分開(kāi)價(jià)過(guò)高。其它的平裝書(shū)每本才賣十或十五美分。 </p><p>　　我指出這本書(shū)保存狀況頗好，納什是個(gè)有趣的詩(shī)人，這個(gè)要價(jià)是合理的。他說(shuō)這是個(gè)原則問(wèn)題。最終，我同意以十五美分的價(jià)格將這本書(shū)賣給他。他得意洋洋，拿出一張十美

90、元的票子付帳?！傲沐X不用找了?！彼f(shuō)。</p><p>　　Three Whistles</p><p>　　I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistl

91、e. "And how much are they then?" I asked, pointing to another tray. </p><p>　　"You, sir," replied the jeweler, "about three whistles." </p><p><b>　　三聲口哨</b

92、></p><p>　　我答應(yīng)過(guò)我的女朋友過(guò)生日進(jìn)送她一條金項(xiàng)鏈。可是當(dāng)珠寶商報(bào)出我們看中的那條項(xiàng)鏈的價(jià)格時(shí)，我低低地打了個(gè)長(zhǎng)口哨。“那這條項(xiàng)鏈多少錢呢？”我指著另一個(gè)盤子里的項(xiàng)鏈問(wèn)。 </p><p>　　“先生，對(duì)你來(lái)說(shuō)，”珠寶商答道，“大約值三聲口哨。” </p><p>　　Too Polite</p><p>　　A woma

93、n who frequented a small antique shop rarely purchase anything, but always found fault with the merchandise and prices. The manager and her salesclerk took the woman's grumpy complaints in stride, but one day she wen

94、t too far. "Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop?" demanded the woman. </p><p>　　A smile on her face, the clerk calmly replied, "Perhaps it's because we're too p

95、olite." </p><p><b>　　太有禮貌</b></p><p>　　一名婦女經(jīng)常光顧一家小古董店，但幾乎從不買什么東西，卻總是對(duì)商品和價(jià)格吹毛求疵。對(duì)于那婦女的粗暴抱怨，經(jīng)理和她的銷售員總是應(yīng)付了事，但是有一天她做得太過(guò)分了。“為什么你們店里總是不能得到我想要的東西？”那名婦女指責(zé)說(shuō)。 </p><p>　　職員臉上帶

96、著微笑，沉著地回答道：“也許是因?yàn)槲覀兲卸Y貌了。” </p><p>　　Good Points and Bad Points</p><p>　　"This house," said the real-estate salesman, "has both its good points and bad points. To show you I'm

97、 honest, I'm goint to tell you about the disadvantage - there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north." </p><p>　　"What are the advantages?" inquired the p

98、rospective buyer. </p><p>　　"The good thing about it," said the agent, "is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing." </p><p><b>　　優(yōu)缺點(diǎn)</b></p>

99、<p>　　“這幢房子，”房地產(chǎn)推銷商說(shuō)，“既有優(yōu)點(diǎn)也有缺點(diǎn)。為了說(shuō)明我是誠(chéng)實(shí)的，我將告訴你們它的缺點(diǎn) - 往南面一個(gè)街區(qū)是一家化工廠，往北面一個(gè)街區(qū)是一家屠宰場(chǎng)。” </p><p>　　“那么它的長(zhǎng)處呢？”預(yù)備購(gòu)買房子的人問(wèn)道。 </p><p>　　“它的好處，”代理商說(shuō)道，“就是，你總能分清風(fēng)是從哪邊吹過(guò)來(lái)的?！?</p><p><b&

100、gt;　　Camera</b></p><p>　　On our way to a wedding in Vermont, my husband and I realized we had forgotten our camera. We stopped at a general store and, hoping to purchase a cheap, disposable model. Sal

101、asked the owner, "Do you have any of those throwaway cameras?" </p><p>　　"Look, fella," replied the owner, "I don't care what you do with it after you buy it." </p>&

102、lt;p><b>　　照相機(jī)</b></p><p>　　在前往威蒙特參加一個(gè)婚禮的路上，我和丈夫意識(shí)到我們忘了帶照相機(jī)。我們?cè)谝患野儇浬痰觊T前停了下來(lái)，希望能夠買到一種便宜的，一次性照相機(jī)。薩爾問(wèn)店主：“你們有那種用了就扔的照相機(jī)嗎？” </p><p>　　“我說(shuō)，小伙子，”店主回答說(shuō)，“我可不管你買了之后怎么處理它。” </p><p&

103、gt;　　Midway Tactics</p><p>　　Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue. </p><p>　　The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, &q

104、uot;Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!" </p><p>　　The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!" </p><p>

105、;　　The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE". </p><p><b>　　中間戰(zhàn)術(shù)</b></p><p>　　三個(gè)互相爭(zhēng)生意的商店老板在一條林蔭道上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。 </p><p

106、>　　右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書(shū)：“大減價(jià)!”“特便宜!” </p><p>　　左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價(jià)!”“大折扣!” </p><p>　　中間的商人隨后準(zhǔn)備了一個(gè)大招牌，上面只簡(jiǎn)單地寫(xiě)著：“入口處”。 </p><p>　　Large Uniforms</p><p>　　During our firs

107、t three days at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, we were herded from place to place for haircuts, shots and uniforms. Back in our barracks, the drill instructor told us to put on our uniforms and fall out in front

108、 of the building. Some of the uniforms, however, were extremely large. As we filed outside, the sergeant stood by the door with his assistant. "We have to take some of these people back for refitting," he said.

109、 "That last man took two steps before his uniform moved</p><p><b>　　大制服</b></p><p>　　在圣安東尼奧的萊克蘭空軍基地的頭三天，我們被從一個(gè)地方趕到另一個(gè)地方去理發(fā)、照相、領(lǐng)制服?；氐綘I(yíng)房之后，訓(xùn)練指導(dǎo)員讓我們穿上制服，在營(yíng)房前原地解散。但是，我些制服特別大。我們列隊(duì)的時(shí)候

110、，中士和他的副手就站在門邊。“我們得將一些人弄回去重新量一下，”他說(shuō)，“最后那個(gè)人走了兩步，他的制服才動(dòng)。”</p><p>　　Quick Reaction</p><p>　　My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position as reconnaissance sergeant in our a

111、rtillery unit. The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly. During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant, "Can you see t